On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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