I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
