I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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