how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
