I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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