conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
