Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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