I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
