Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
