Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
