we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think i got beer on your cat.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
