i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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