So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
