oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
