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Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
