I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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