I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
