Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
