i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so let's talk penis.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
