My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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