I'm sorry my penis didn't work
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
