he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
