Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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