she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
