ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
