why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
