I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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