Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
