I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
