the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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