sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
