Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
