you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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