why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
