Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Randomize
