My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
