Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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