Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When are your genitals available?
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