You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
