Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
