My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
