I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
