My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
