My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How does it feel to date your dad?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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