____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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