i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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