Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
