it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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