It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Barsexuality is the new black.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
