i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
