i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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