I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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