hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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