she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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