I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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