HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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